You open your eyes and find yourself lying in the dust beneath a high, bright, hot sun. Your head is throbbing and your entire body aches. You pull yourself wincing to your feet and, rubbing your forehead, you glance around you.
A barren, empty desert landscape surrounds you. In front of you, the land ends abruptly in a cliff. Behind you, a lonely road passes close by. Beside the road lies a solitary boulder over which is intimately draped the freshly-killed, still-smoking carcass of a car. A slightly frazzled woman is standing beside the wreckage of the car, arms folded across her chest, glaring at you.
Squeezing your eyes shut, you shake your head and moan. "Where am I? //Who am I//?"
[[Seek answers to these questions.->Seeking Answers]]
[[Sit down and cry.->Crying]]
[[Hurl yourself off the cliff.->Cliff dive]]Walking over to the wreckage of the car, you pause and glance down at the smoking heap of twisted metal. It immediately bursts into flames.
Staggering back a couple of steps from the heat, you notice a familiar wallet--//your wallet//--lying amid the rapidly blackening ruins of what had until quite recently been a car seat.
[[Quickly try to grab the wallet.->Wallet grab]]
[[Let it go: fire is dangerous.->Let it go]]Heroically whining "My head hurts! I'm hot! I'm all dirty!" you sit down in the dirt and begin crying. Shaking her head and swearing under her breath, the mysterious woman turns and starts off down the road. She is almost immediately rescued by the sudden appearance of a fully loaded ice cream truck.
You are left behind in the desert where you quickly perish, everyone either having no desire to come rescue you or having already quickly forgotten about you.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//You glance back at the woman and then, without a sound, you suddenly turn and race full speed toward the cliff's edge. With a mighty leap, you launch yourself majestically into the air...
...and crash face-first back into the ground mere inches from the edge of the cliff.
Footsteps crunch toward you over the dusty, gravelly ground and you are roughly dragged to your feet by the woman.
"Oh no you don't!" she says. "You're not getting out of this //that// easily!"
[[Return to the wreckage of the car and seek answers to your earlier questions.->Seeking Answers]]
[[Attempt to jump off the cliff again.->Cliff dive fail]]Summoning all your strength, you immediately hurl yourself toward the cliff's edge once more. The woman easily restrains you with one hand and drags you back to the wreckage of the car.
[[Continue...->Seeking Answers]]Deftly ducking and dodging the flames, you thrust your hand into the wreckage and seize the wallet. Turning around, you hold it aloft and cry out in triumph before losing your balance and falling backward into the flames to be burned alive.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//"Ah, my wallet!" you whine. "Argh, my //money//!" you cry.
"Would you be quiet!" irritably interjects the woman. "Now, we need to get out of this desert as soon as possible. We shouldn't be too far from the nearest town, Pueblo del Tonto Gordo, so all we have to do is follow this..."
"Who am I?" you interrupt, still whining.
"Seriously?" replies the woman, her hands on her hips.
"Wait!" you exclaim suddenly. "I remember now!"
[[Reveal who you think you are.->Your identity]]
[[Keep it to yourself.->Don't tell]]You pose triumphantly, hands on your hips, grinning mindlessly, as a passing breeze dramatically wafts your combover.
"I am..." you begin to announce.
"You are Jack Jackson," the woman interrupts impatiently, "the world's greatest secret agent's worst sidekick and the idiot who somehow managed to crash our car into the only object visible for miles in this God-forsaken desert!"
"And that makes you..." you begin to explain unnecessarily.
"Julie Powers," interjects Julie, "said world's greatest secret agent and your very angry boss!"
[[Continue...->Let's Go]]The woman stares at you expectantly. You stare back at her, smiling smugly.
"Well?" she demands impatiently.
"It's a secret!" you grin obnoxiously.
"No it's not," she replies flatly, "and I already know who you are, Jack..."
"Jackson!" you cry triumphantly. "The world's greatest..."
"Worst," corrects the woman.
"...secret agent!" you conclude.
"...-'s sidekick," adds the woman. "And the idiot who somehow managed to run off the road and crash into the only object visible for miles in this God-forsaken desert."
"Wait," you begin, thoughtfully scratching your chin, "then that means you must be..."
[[Continue...->Julie's Identity]]After much intense bickering, Julie finally brings out the big guns and threatens to cut your paid time off allowance. With a feeble whimper, you submit and together you head off down the road in the direction of Pueblo del Tonto Gordo.
You have not gone very far before a faint, merry, jingling tune drifts across the desolate wasteland to your ears. You and Julie pause and glance behind you. To your surprise you behold a pale blue ice cream truck heading your way along the road.
"Hmm..." you say to yourself, your brain straining mightily to comprehend the spectacle before you.
[["It's obviously a mirage!" you decide.->Mirage]]
[["Ooh, I could go for an ice cream right now!" you realize.->Want Ice Cream]]"Jack you colossal idiot, we have to get to Pueblo del Tonto Gordo!" Julie states angrily.
"No!" you retort, nearly hysterical. "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my boss!"
"Actually..." Julie begins.
You do not wait to hear what she has to say. Instead you turn and stomp off up the road in the direction from which you came earlier.
[[Continue...->Lost in Desert]]"Well, well, well," Julie grins as she approaches the ice cream truck. The driver leans in the open door of the truck, his grimey, sweat-soaked shirt half unbuttoned, as he angrily glares at Julie.
"If it isn't Buck Stars, Agent 000, the master of disguise!" says Julie in admiration, casually stating highly classified information out loud.
"//What//?" exclaims the intensely confused ice cream ice cream man.
"She's not talking about you," the ice cream truck suddenly and quite unexpectedly explains. "She's talking about me."
As the understandably shocked ice cream man leaps away from his truck, you point and scream.
[[Continue...->At Ice Cream Truck]]Shrieking your legendary battle cry of "//MOMMEEEEE!!!!//", you run for your life away from the ice cream truck and aimlessly into the depths of the desert.
"Jack get back here!" Julie calls after you. "I need you--the //mission// needs you--for your ability to mindlessly perform menial tasks!"
But it is too late: you fall flat on your face and vanish from view behind a very small mound of dirt.
With a disinterested shrug, Julie immediately gives up the pursuit of you she never had any intention of beginning.
[[Continue...->Lost in Desert]]"Come with me if you want to live!" Julie proclaims melodramatically as she reaches her hand out toward the ice cream man.
"Um, okay," replies the uncertain ice cream man.
Without too much further ado, you, Julie, and the ice cream man all pile into the ice cream truck.
"Ugh!" moans Buck under the added weight. "I should //not// have chosen this disguise!"
"So, this secret mission of yours," begins the ice cream man apprehensively, "it's not going to be dangerous is it?"
"I can't tell you, it's a secret," Julie replies, carefully eyeing the road ahead. "But, yes, most assuredly, extremely so!"
"Okay then, bye!" exclaims the ice cream man, hurling himself off the truck and running off into desert.
Julie watches in silence as he vanishes from sight before shrugging, facing front, and ordering: "let's go, Buck!"
[[Continue...->In Pueblo del Tonto Gordo]]"//What//?" cries the ice cream man. "Abandon me, will you? Well, take //this//!"
The ice cream man thrusts his hand into his pocket. Seeing this, Julie yells: "look out! He's got a..."
The ice cream man pulls out an ice cream scoop.
"...//scoop//!"
Through a series of impressive, but unnecessary, flips and handsprings, Julie positions you between her and the ice cream man just as he unleashes his ice cream scoop. With a hollow //thonk//, it strikes you in the forehead.
"Ow!" you say, rubbing your forehead.
"Go, Buck, go!" Julie yells, cartwheeling back toward the ice truck. Once inside, she and the truck race off down the road.
"Hey!" you cry in vain. "Wait for me!"
"Well, well, well..." sneers the ice cream man.
[[Attempt to chase the truck.->Chase Truck]]
[[Engage in mortal combat with the ice cream man.->Mortal Combat]]Instantly and inexplicably finding renewed energy, you leap to your feet, sprint toward the lake, and hurl yourself into its inviting waters...
...only to find yourself writhing amongst a thick patch of cactus where only moments before the obvious mirage had appeared.
For many, many minutes the empty desert reverberates with your screams.
[[Continue writhing in the cactus patch, screaming.->Continue Screaming, Writhing]]
[[Extricate yourself from the cactus patch.->Extricate from Cactus]]As you drag yourself ever closer to the mysterious lake, you are overjoyed to find it steadfastly refusing to vanish into the nothingness of the desert. Eventually reaching the water's edge, you scoop some of the water into your mouth with your hand.
"//Ugh//!" you exclaim in disgust, spitting the water out. "It's //warm//! I only like //ice// water!"
With that, you heave your dehydrated body away from the lake's edge and continue dragging yourself onward through the desert. Your only sustenance is the sand you keep accidentally swallowing. This works exactly as well as one would expect and before long you succumb to the harsh environment, dying alone in silence while Julie, who most assuredly was long since rescued, goes on to not only complete her mission, but also achieve indescribable amounts of fame and greatness in the process.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(text-colour:red)[#The Adventures of Jack Jackson, the World's Greatest Secret Agent's Worst Sidekick]]
---
By Daniel Hall
---
(text-colour:green)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(t8n-depart:"shudder")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[Click here to begin...->The Beginning]]]]"Oh," you blink in confusion, "I was going to say Sally Smith, Empress of the Venusian Martians of Saturn, but what you said makes more sense. I think the heat is beginning to get to me."
"I think it might be," darkly agreed Julie. "Now come on! We have to get to Pueblo del Tonto Gordo!"
"But what about that direction?" you ask, pointing back down the road in the direction from which you came. "Why don't we go that way?"
Julie shakes her head and sighs with exasperation. The wreckage of the car empathizes with a small, fiery explosion.
[[Listen to your boss and head to Pueblo del Tonto Gordo.->Onward]]
[[Courageously disobey your boss and head back the way you came.->Backward]]While Julie thoughtfully studies the incongruous sight, you chuckle and stroll into the center of the road, declaring: "it's obviously a mirage!"
Julie yanks you out of the center of the road just in time to avoid being struck by the very real and now angrily-honking ice cream truck which promptly swerves off the side of the road and skids to a dusty stop along the shoulder of the road.
"Wow!" you gasp breathlessly. "That was an //intense// mirage!"
[[Continue...->The Ice Cream Truck]]"I WANNA ICE CREAM!" you scream right into Julie's ear.
You narrowly avoid a well-deserved slap from Julie as you thrust your hand violently into your back pocket. Finding it empty, your eyes open wide with horror. The shocked confusion filling your mind is quickly crushed by a sudden flood of memories: your troubled childhood, the 37 touchdowns you scored in your high school football championship game (according to the short fiction piece you composed for your 10th grade Algebra class), that time you found a shiny penny, and, most importantly, the fact that you lost your wallet earlier in the flaming wreckage of the car you wrecked.
Dropping to your knees and tearing at your clothes, you unleash a howl of fathomless despair to the sky above.
[[Commit suicide: it's the only reasonable course of action in this situation.->Suicide]]
[[Attempt to be a mature adult about the situation.->Be an Adult]]"Julie quick: help me kill myself!" you cry.
Yanking you roughly to your feet, Julie replies: "oh no you don't! I need you!"
"Y-you do?" you ask, sobbing softly.
"Yes! If a firefight breaks out on one of our missions, you're my human shield!" Julie explained impatiently.
"I've...I've never felt needed before!" you smile, wiping away your tears. "Thank you!"
"Don't mention it," says Julie. "Ever, ever again! Now go stop that truck!"
"You got it, boss!" you exclaim.
Deftly hurling yourself in front of the truck, you bring it to a sudden, squealing, profanity-laced stop.
[[Continue...->The Ice Cream Truck]]You decide, for once, to act reasonably and wiping the tears from your eyes, you pull yourself to your feet and stand in patient silence. This commendable effort lasts barely a second before you give up and start screaming and crying again.
"Here! Just be quiet!" Julie growls in annoyance as she tosses you the spy agency's corporate credit card.
As the credit card strikes you in the face, you giggle gleefully and hop up and down in excitement. Snatching the credit card from the ground you merrily hurl yourself in front of the oncoming truck, bringing it to a sudden, squealing, profanity-laced stop.
[[Continue...->The Ice Cream Truck]]The weathered, pale blue sides of the ice cream truck are liberally adorned with drawings of various ice cream treats and the unsettling disembodied heads of leering clowns. Dark blue letters hurled heavily over top of these images declare: "Uncle Bob's Sweet Treats, a Member of the Florida Bureau of Ice Cream, California Ice Cream Associates, and the National Sweets Agency."
"Ah, the FBI-CIA-NSA," Julie notes quietly.
Tumbling out of the truck, the driver, and presumptive Uncle Bob himself, angrily growls: "what's the idea?"
"Come on," Julie says to you with a cryptic smile as she starts toward the truck.
Panicking pathetically, you cry: "what? No! Don't you see all those clown heads? We have to get out of here!"
[[Calm down and follow Julie.->Approach ice cream truck]]
[[Heroically panic and run away.->Run for it]]Tens of minutes later, you find yourself dragging your suddenly emaciated, tattered, rag-covered body across the hot dust of the desert beneath the unrelenting sun. You somehow managed to lose the road almost immediately after departing from Julie and now find yourself surrounded by unbroken desert in every direction.
Unbroken, that is, save for the expanse of deep blue water that suddenly appears a short distance before you.
"W-water?" you gasp.
In what is surely a sign of heatstroke, the water somehow seems to nod and wink coyly back at you in reply.
[[Head toward the water and plunge yourself into its crystalline depths.->Go to lake]]
[[Approach this strange situation cautiously and with a questioning mind.->Examine the lake]]For almost an hour you continue writhing in the cactus patch, the desert continuing to reverberate with your screams and getting quite tired of doing so.
Inevitably, as often happens in these situations, your cries eventually summon a passing spaceship crewed by Mercury-based Saturnian Plutonians. The ship lands a safe distance from the cactus patch and your flailing limbs and a small portal opens from which emerges the ship's commander, an entity disappointingly human-like in appearance, clad in a silver gown and a conical, metallic helmet.
You pause your writhing and, bleeding profusely, stare in amazement at the new arrival.
"Greetings, Earther!" the being says. "I am the one they call...//Phil//!"
[[Listen to Phil.->Listen to Phil]]
[[Run for your life.->Run for Your Life]]With a mighty whimper, you pull yourself from the cactus patch and resume your feeble crawling through the merciless desert. Cresting a small rise, you tumble down the other side and right into the small town of Dirt Gully. You continue to tumble up the main street of Dirt Gully past a number of shocked and confused onlookers before eventually coming to a stop in a filthy heap of limbs and rags just outside the entrance of the Dirt Gully Fully Air-Conditioned Free Water and Food Emporium.
Slowly raising your head and smacking your dry, cracked lips, you gaze at the emporium's entrance, beckoning welcomely toward you from only two short, easily-managed feet away.
Sadly, though, you realize you can go no further. Dropping your head to the ground once more, you succumb to your dehydration and exhaustion and pass away in silence, leaving behind as your legacy an unpleasant mess for the Emporium's poor proprietors to clean up.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//Dumbfounded, you blink slowly and settle down amongst the cactus as the one called Phil continues to speak.
"As we passed your planet," explained Phil calmly, "we heard your pathetic and quite loud cries and realized you must be Blorggthar the Ravager, the one of whom the prophecy spoke, the one whose destiny it is to lead us to victory over our mortal enemies, a race of sentient microbes inhabiting a small rock floating in the outer reaches of the inner solar system. You will, of course, die messily, painfully, spectacularly, and heroically in the process, but you will have a small monument constructed in your memory on the planet you Earthers call Mercury, but which to us is known, coincidentally, also as Mercury."
"Huh?" you reply.
"Come!" Phil says with an unsettling smile.
Grasping you by the hand, Phil tears you from the cactus patch and leads you onto the spaceship. Soon you are hurtling through the sky and into space toward your glorious destiny, shrillly screaming the entire time.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//"Eep!" you squeak.
Leaping from the cactus patch, you run for your life. Despite their advanced, space-faring technology, the Mercury-based Saturnian Plutonians somehow never managed to develop a means to stop a somewhat out-of-shape man jogging sluggishly away from them. As a result, you miraculously escape.
Eventually lurching to a stop, you double over in pain, cramps ripping through your sides, as you violently wheeze and gasp for air. You suddenly notice that you are standing on pavement. You look up in surprise just in time to get run over by an ice water delivery truck.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//"The world's //actual// greatest secret agent, and your //boss//, Julie Powers! Now come on! We have to get to Pueblo Del Tonto Gordo! We have a mission to accomplish!"
"I don't wanna!" you pout, folding your arms across your chest. "I wanna go back the way we came!"
"//What//?" cries Julie in frustration.
[[Cooperate and continue on to Pueblo del Tonto Gordo.->Onward]]
[[Be contrary and go back the way you came.->Backward]]"Jack stop that!" orders Julie.
You continue to scream.
Turning back to the truck, Julie says: "I haven't seen you in while, Buck! How are you doing these days?"
"Not too bad!" replies the ice cream truck. "And you?"
"I'm still teamed up with Jack," Julie sighs.
"I'm so sorry!" the truck replies sadly.
"Hey!" you abruptly exclaim mid-scream.
[[Continue...->At Ice Cream Truck 2]]"Say Buck," begins Julie, "do you think you can give us a ride to Pueblo del Tonto Gordo?"
"Sure!" replies the truck. "But what about him? Do you want to bring him with us?"
"Jack? Not really," answers Julie. "We can leave him here if you want."
"Hey!" you cry.
"No I meant //him//," explains the truck, "my driver."
"Hmm, I guess we can't really leave him here in the middle of the desert," Julie says gazing thoughtfully at the horrified and confused ice cream man cowering nearby. "Then again, we are on a highly classified mission..."
[[In the spirit of human decency, take the ice cream ice cream man with you.->Rescue the ice cream man]]
[[Remain focused on the mission and leave him behind.->Abandon the ice cream man]]With a scream, you turn and lumber off down the road in pursuit of the ice cream truck. Fortunately for you, Buck spies you in his rearview mirror and, feeling bad for you, convinces Julie to rescue you.
And so the ice cream truck slows to a stop. And several minutes later when you finally reach it, you run right into the back of it with a loud //thump//.
"Stop screwing around, Jack, and get in!" calls Julie. "We absolutely must get to Pueblo del Tonto Gordo! We have a secret mission to fulfill!"
"What's our secret mission?" you gasp as you heave yourself into the truck.
"It's a secret!" replies Julie. "Now step on it...or yourself...or whatever, Buck!"
"You got it!" says Buck. "Hold on!"
[[Continue...->In Pueblo del Tonto Gordo]]"Looks like it's just you and me now!" snarls the ice cream man as he retrieves his scoop from the ground.
"Have a care!" you warn as you assume a vague martial arts stance that is impressive and menacing in the eyes of absolutely no one save yourself.
The ice cream man lunges with his scoop. With a high-pitched squeal, you unleash a merciless barrage of spastic kicks, punches, and slaps, all of which are impressively somehow directed against yourself. Woozy and bloodied, you fall to the ground in a heap.
Shaking his head in disgust, the ice cream man tosses the scoop onto your body and starts off down the road in the direction whither the ice cream truck lately went.
Regaining your senses, such as they are, you proceed to drag your battered body in entirely the wrong direction--away from the road and into the desert--and much to the relief of the world, you soon vanish and are never heard from again.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//Buck roars recklessly off down the road, on the wrong side of said road for added excitement, and soon you find yourself careening into the small town of Pueblo del Tonto Gordo.
"Buck, stop here!" Julie cries suddenly.
Immediately obliging her, Buck skids and squeals violently to a stop, throwing you face-first into the windshield.
"There it is!" Julie says excitedly under her breath.
"There what is?" you ask, rubbing your nose.
"Our //objective//!" whispers Julie, grinning broadly.
[[See the objective for yourself.->The Objective]]
[[Ask for some ice cream.->I Want Ice Cream]]You gaze in the direction indicated by Julie.
There through the windshield you behold the spectacle of a nondescript convenience store, the Pueblo del Tonto Gordo Shady Mart, with exactly two cars in the parking lot and one bored-looking man leaning against the side of the store smoking a cigarette.
"Um...so...what? Are we going to assault the convenience store or something?" you ask in confusion.
"Not that!" Julie replies impatiently. "//That//!"
[[Continue...->The Objective Continued]]"Um, yeah, whatever, that's nice," you say, "but can I get some ice cream now?"
"Fine, Jack! Suit yourself!" Julie replies angrily.
"Yay!" you exclaim merrily.
While Julie goes on to deal with...//the objective//...in an epic and truly cinematic battle of unspeakable excitement and entertainment value, ultimately winning her untold fame and fortune, you dive into the coolers in the back of the truck and begin shoveling ice cream into your face.
And there you live happily ever after.
...for the next five minutes until Buck, uncomfortable with this whole situation, changes disguises to that of a small bird and flutters away leaving you behind in the street next to an unplugged cooler of rapidly melting ice cream.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//Adjusting your gaze ever so slightly to the right of the convenience store, you suddenly notice a gargantuan, black pyramid towering above you, flames shooting from its top where dark storm clouds laced with lightning are gathering. In the midst of this spectacle the figure of a man can be seen silhouetted against the flames, his arms outstretched toward the storm clouds, his head thrown back as he laughs maniacally.
"Oh...//that//!" you exclaim, realization striking you like a well-thrown baseball to the head. "That man up there isn't being very safe!"
"That //man//," explains Julie tensely, "is none other than Stew Pidde, Chief Financial Officer of Pan-Global Evilco, a division of Titan Heavy Industries Group, a subsidiary of Auntie May's Corner Boutique, and a man hell-bent on conquering the world!"
"I see," you lie, nodding thoughtfully.
[[Ask Julie to continue her fascinating exposition.->Launch into Action]]
[[Go get some ice cream.->Get Ice Cream]]"Tell me more, Julie," you request.
"Well, that's it," replies Julie, "I've told you everything! Now come on! Buck, I'm gonna need you!"
"You got it!" exclaims Buck.
With the skillful application of several daubs of makeup, Buck instantly switches disguises from an ice cream truck to a fully functional sniper rifle. Julie snatches the rifle from the ground and races to the base of the pyramid.
"//The game is up, Pidde//!" Julie yells up at the gesticulating figure atop the pyramid. "//Surrender or face the consequences//!"
[[Continue...->The Action Continues]]"Okay, well, anyway, I'm gonna get some ice cream," you declare nonchalantly.
"Jack no! I need you as my human shield!" cries Julie.
Unfortunately in the mere second Julie wasted in saying that, Stew Pidde quite amazingly managed to conquer the entire world...somehow.
Years later as you and thousands of other manacled slaves drag yourselves through the dungeons of Pan-Global Evilco's extensive and wholly ineffective customer service department, you think back on this moment and tears fill your eyes as you realize you never did get your ice cream.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//"//HA//!" Stew Pidde sneers in reply. "//NEVER//!"
With that, Stew Pidde immediately loses his balance and tumbles all the way down the pyramid, across the sidewalk, and into you, knocking you down. Seeing their leader fallen, Stew Pidde's hitherto unseen minions begin pouring out of the various entrances hidden all over the pyramid and quickly and discreetly fleeing the area via personal vehicle, public transportation, or nervous jog-walking. High above, the lightning suddenly ceases, the storm clouds rapidly dissipate, and the fire abuptly extinguishes itself with an audible //paff// as sunlight returns once more.
Pulling yourself to your feet, you frown down at the battered and whimpering form of Stew Pidde.
[[Kick'm while he's down.->Kick Him]]
[[Assist Julie in properly taking this scoundrel into custody.->Taking Him into Custody]]"Take that, stupid!" you exclaim as you kick Stew Pidde.
"Jack! Stop that!" Julie scolds. "We have to take him into custody! Now go into that convenience store and see if they have anything we can use to tie him up!"
You do as you are told. To your dismay, not only does the convenience store not have any implements of bondage, but it does have, contrary to the unbusy appearance of the parking lot, a horrifically long line at the checkout counter.
"Well, this isn't very convenient!" you mutter indignantly.
You decide to ask the clerk if he has anything with which to tie up a man and thus quietly append yourself to the end of the line where you proceed to patiently wait...and wait...and wait...
To this very day you wait there still and you are just now starting to lose your patience ever so slightly.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The End]
//(text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:2s)[[(Start Over)->The Beginning]]]//"Alright, buddy! You're going away for a long time!" Julie declares as she drags Stew Pidde to his feet and shackles him with the handcuffs Buck just then conveniently disguised himself as.
Two days later, you and Julie stand proudly before the desk of Chief Herb Grumps, the head of Redacted Action, Inc., the spy agency for which you work, as he proclaims: "we let him go!"
Indeed, through Chief Grumps' office window you can see a happily giggling Stew Pidde skipping away across the parking lot.
"//What//?" cries Julie. "Why?"
"For the sequel, of course!" exclaims Chief Grumps. "Based on no evidence, feedback, or any sort of data whatsoever, we've already gone ahead and assumed this tale will be quite successful, financially-speaking, and thus not immediately cashing in with a sequel would simply be ludicrous!"
[[Continue...->Conclusion]]In the meantime, though," continues the chief, "I have another mission for you two! It involves a particularly bloodthirsty, small, fluffy bunny who..."
Not waiting to hear the rest of what the chief has to say, Julie storms out of the office. With a theatrical sigh of despair, you follow her.
Her career having proven to be a lie and with no purpose left in life, Julie sadly winds up starting a wildly successful IT consulting firm and retiring early as a multimillionaire.
You, on the other hand, finding your life suddenly deprived of the structure and guidance it so desperately, //desperately// needs, accidentally steal a car and drive off alone back into the desert in search of that ice cream you never did get to have.
And in the midst of that empty, desolate expanse, you somehow manage to crash that car into a very familiar, very charred rock.
(text-colour:red)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[''The End
(...for good this time!)'']]